You might be a Pervert if...

If you've ever walked through a kitchen supply store testing the spatulas and spoons by slapping them against your thigh or forearm...
You might be a pervert.

If you start typing in the word “Fact” into Google and “face slapping safety” comes up as a recommendation…
You might be a pervert.

If the first thing you do when you walk into a hotel room is look for “points of attachment”…
You might be a pervert.

If you have ever grown your hair long specifically so it’s easier to pull…
You might be a pervert.

If you’ve ever realized about 30 minutes into a subway ride that Tristan Taormino’s “Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women” might not be the best book to be reading openly on the train….
You might be a pervert.

If you have ever pulled up to a gas station and realized that you cannot get out to pump your gas because of what you were wearing (or not wearing)...
You might be a pervert.

If knives make you wet or hard…
You might be a pervert.

If your primary assessment of the ginger you are buying in the supermarket is for maximum size and best shape for anal insertion…
You might be a pervert.

If you have ever bought eight or more hitch rings and a bunch of chain at Home Depot to enhance your bedroom furniture.
You might be a pervert.

If you have to be cautious when you hand out your business card because you never know what other business cards are in your coat pocket that you picked up over the weekend.
You might be a pervert.

If you have more than two drawers and half a closet devoted to toys and implements…
You might be a pervert.

If you are over 40 and still go to "summer camp"...
You might be a pervert.

If you have ever used "Louisiana Red Hot" in bed.
You just might be a pervert.

If you have ever safeworded during an excruciatingly boring conference call...
You might be a pervert.

If looking at a Qtip makes you think "Fire in the Hole!" and grin...
You might be a pervert.

If hanging someone by the neck without killing them is your idea of an amusing engineering project...
You might be a pervert.

If your reaction to finding some pretty ribbon at Michael's is to go looking for your medical stapler...
You might be a pervert.

If you have ever stood in the Pathmark checkout line at 2 am with condoms, ginger, a bag of clothespins, a package of wooden shish kabob skewers, a threepack of fleets enema's, Ultra strength Bengay, clothesline, some Santeria candles, dental floss and a cucumber smiling suggestively at the clerk...
You might be a pervert.