Freak?

From Webster's online:

Main Entry: freak
Pronunciation: \ˈfrēk\
Function: noun
Etymology: origin unknown
Date: 1563

1 a : a sudden and odd or seemingly pointless idea or turn of the mind b : a seemingly capricious action or event
2 archaic : a whimsical quality or disposition
3 : one that is markedly unusual or abnormal: as a : a person or animal having a physical oddity and appearing in a circus sideshow b slang (1) : a sexual deviate (2) : a person who uses an illicit drug c : hippie d : an atypical postage stamp usually caused by a unique defect in paper (as a crease) or a unique event in the manufacturing process (as a speck of dirt on the plate) that does not produce a constant or systematic effect
4 a : an ardent enthusiast (film freaks) b : a person who is obsessed with something (a control freak)


So why am I ASecretFreak? For as long as I can remember, I have felt a little "freakish" and out of place. As a teenager growing up in small town Vermont in the late 70's, already leaning towards being Queer, this feeling grew. My childhood was really chaotic and for some reason, I just got sucked into desperately wishing for a "normal" life. Conventional job, house, 2.2 kids, picket fence, golden retriever.... All destined to keep this dark and kinky soul feeling more and more freaky and isolated inside. For approximately 33 years, I tried to pursue this dream. When I first began to explore my darker desires, "Asecretfreak" was the name I picked for my online persona. It reflected my feeling of secretly being "one that is markedly unusual or abnormal" or "a sexual deviant".

Much has happened since I began this journey. I found a warm and welcoming community of kindred spirits. I found that elusive sense of belonging I sought by rejecting my "secret freak" and trying to assimilate, came to me only when I instead embraced it.

The label "freak" still resonates for me. I can't share my kinky side with everyone I know. I must still fly under the radar when appropriate, which, let's face it, is most of the time. My new friends are sympathetic, trying to reassure me that I'm ok. "You're not a freak. or "Why do you call yourself that?" I am reluctant to relinquish the label. I feel a desire to reclaim the term as a positive rather than a pejorative. There are other words, like Queer, Geek, Dyke, Slut... all describe me at times. At this point, I'm proud to use them, at least when I am in the company of my friends.

From the definition above, I like "ardent enthusiast", which describes me pretty well when it comes to kink. I also like idea of "a whimsical quality or disposition". I find my self thinking of the concept of "letting your freak flag fly", or the song, "Super Freak".

I may not be quite so secret anymore, but I'm still a freak.
A happy freak, having found that I am not alone.